Session Four
Words . . . How to Have a Healthy and Tender Fight
BIBLE REFERENCES FOR SESSION FOUR: BOOK OF PROVERBS FOR EXAMPLE, PROVERBS 12:8, 12:22 JAMES 3:1-12 EPHESIANS 4:25-32
SUMMARY: Words a great marriage requires that we be able to use them well.
a. Speak honestly (and speak that truth today).
b. Speak words that value and build up the other.
c. Speak with humility.
When these three parts are practiced together, you have the ability to work through the hard things of life; you will find that you heal and build up, not tear down and destroy. Those who do not practice them together, don t practice them at all! To speak the truth without balance, and then two days later build up or express humility, etc. is simply to be inconsistent. And, inconsistent people feel dangerous to us. We fence them off, never really believing them or letting them get too close to us. To be a sweet gift to your mate, speak the three parts together.
In this session, we also point out that one of the most fatal flaws to relationships is resentment and bitterness. If we do not use words correctly, we not only bruise our mate, but we also create the breeding ground for our own resentment. If you want to keep the hurts of life from becoming permanent fixtures on your heart, twisting it into an embittered one, you must learn to speak with godly wisdom.
Words — great marriages are built on them; failed marriages are destroyed by them.A man will never feel loved if he does not feel respected; it is the oxygen he breathes! Is a man always respectable in all areas of his life? Of course not, and no one can pretend to admire that which is in reality a weakness. But a wife who loves her husband can always find parts of his life that can be respected, and even her belief in him will be a key part of his becoming what he would like to be. People tend to live up or down to what we think of them. (It does need to be noted that giving a husband respect is not the same as cowering under every wish or want he might have. Real respect will sometimes come in the form of confrontation.)
Session Four
Words . . . How to Have a Healthy and Tender Fight
THOUGHT AND DISCUSSION QUESTIONS:
Session Four
1.
What caught your attention in this session? Were there any Wow, that makes sense! moments for you?
2.
When it came to disagreements, hurt feelings, etc., what were some of the unwritten rules of your family-of-origin? Did your family . . .
- Pretend there were no problems?
- Explode?
- Give the silent treatment?
- Fight unfairly by bringing up old grudges as well?
- Get physical or intimidate?
- Shout?
3.
Randy said people often fight unfairly by taking on one of the following three habits:
- Artillery Barrage
- Sniper
- Shut-down siege (starve them out!)
Normally, not everyone has the same pattern in a family . . .
- What roles did the members of your family take (what did Dad do? Mom? Older brother? etc.)?
- What was your pattern?
- What is your pattern now?
4. What were the patterns in your spouse s family? What role did your spouse take?
5.
Bitterness or resentment is almost always a fatal flaw to relationships. Have you allowed this as a practice . . .
- In your relationship with parents, siblings, or others?
- In your marriage?
6.
What do you need to do about it? Are you willing? Do you agree that separating our edification and humility from our honest talk creates problems?
- Do you practice all three?
- Do you practice all three at the same time?
- Which one (or ones) are you weakest at?
7. Non-verbal language reveals the heart what do your non-verbals reveal about your honesty, edification, or humility? Have you asked others what they see in you?
8.
How do you decide which thoughts to share and which thoughts to keep to yourself?
- I gauge what I think their reactions will be. Doesn t that just create an unhealthy game?
- The mood I am in determines it. Doesn t that make you pretty hard to live with?
- I try to decide what the best way is to love and build a marriage. Do you have the courage of character to actually practice this?
9.
Not every thought has to be shared. Sometimes our desire to share is just our need to be in control and have everything our own way.
- Do you have a control problem?
- Are you too inflexible?
- What about your spouse?